Saturday, July 5, 2014

The 16 People You Meet In Kindergarten

Remember that time when you'd think to yourself, "I wish I could go back to Kindergarten."? No? Then you're weird. But, if you do then you were no doubt remembering the days when you lacked responsibilities, could get away with murder, and had a curfew before 8 p.m.

Reflecting back on my childhood, I realize that it was great. No matter how many times I complained about how quickly I wanted to grow up, the amount of peas on my plate, or how many times I had lost my favorite toys at school out of pure forgetfulness, I will never forget the people around me who were the first ones to expose me to an actual community. Or the people who I continued to grow up with from Pre-School/Kindergarten all the way through High School and even into College. Thank you. I miss you all and this is dedicated especially to you guys.

But on a much less serious note, when you think of Kindergarten what images first come to mind? Well, maybe children eating glue, or getting gum stuck in other children's hair, wild imaginations, finger painting, snack and lunch time, nap time? Not at my school. I'm kidding. Of course at my school, (and I would hope that at everyone else's) this type of behavior thrived because it's Kindergarten. The "children's garden," (when literally translated from German) meaning that when it comes to children's personalities, there is a whole lot to choose from.

For example:
  1. The Booger-boy:
    If I could re-write the story of Hansel and Gretel and kick out the kid-eating witch and Gretel, it would definitely be about this kid, because you could follow his trail of boogers to find him. His name should be "Salty Harry," because he obviously loves anything fitting that description. Ironically, he's pretty smart and you definitely know when he's thinking of something because while his mind wanders off in space, his fingers wander up his nostrils. He also cares very much about hygiene, so when he's finished "digging for gold," he'll wipe his hands on whatever surface becomes available to him (He also believes in marking his territory). He's also very friendly and will shake the hands of everyone he meets.
  2. Mr. Poopie-Pants:
    "I wonder if Lord Voldemort had a sense of smell," should be the first thought that comes to mind when you meet this kid. He's already five years old, and a really big kid, but if he told you "I'm a big kid now!," he'd be lying, because he has yet to be potty-trained. It's not through nervousness or weak bowels, but just plain laziness in my opinion. I mean, the bathroom was right in the classroom! No need to walk up endless flights of stairs or to the bathroom that was also conveniently placed right outside the classroom! But you're just so lazy that even when people complain of a smell and every one knows that it's you, you just ignore everyone and continue playing like nothing's happened.
  3. The Princess:
    I've never met anyone so annoying! While it is apparent that your parents have made you up to be a different breed of child, it doesn't mean that you should subjugate us under your tyrannical rule in the process. The first things we learned in class were: how to share, how to make friends, and how being mean is bad. You just take each of these lessons and throw caution to the wind, because those rules were never meant for you. You did whatever you wanted and you got away with with it, just because your grandmother is the principal of the school. While every little thing we did was heavily scrutinized by our teachers, your bouts of abuse and attempt at human trafficking warrants no reaction because the principal specifically told our teachers to pay no mind to her little "angel." We know otherwise.
  4. The Poacher:
    Even though you might have to makings to becoming the first "real Pokemon master," your real pride comes when you show off your collection of dead animals. It doesn't matter that your prized possessions are a decomposed and mutilated mess. The more guts that are seen the better. Your parents have already gone through about a dozen pairs of shoes because of your gutsy design choices. But we all know what you love even more than finding dead things. You like making living things...dead. If you were the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland (albeit a male one), then you would have been right at home determining the fate of innocent animals. Everyone knows that you're weird, and that they should stay away from you, but you're such an awesome person that they have no choice but to hang around you.
  5. The Mute:
    You don't say much. You don't cause trouble. But everyone thinks that something is a little off about you because instead of playing, you choose to sit by yourself. On the playground, during snack time, during story time, and you especially love watching people during nap time (but you fail to realize that no one actually naps during nap time). Are you plotting something? Do you like and/or hate us? Do you just hate people? We all ask you these questions, but of course all you do is just stare blankly back at us. Everyone's tried in vain to be your friend, so don't repay us by claiming that no one ever wanted to be your friend. Like you'd ever say anything anyway.
  6. The Drama Queen:
    You've never taken an acting lesson in your entire life. So, explain to me once again why you insist that your life is taken out of the script of a movie that I saw with my parents last week? Everything you say, everything you do is overly exaggerated and so drawn out that I'm surprised that you still have time to make friends, because all you seem to have time for is losing them. Everything must go your way, since your entire life is apparently scripted. Your favorite phrase to say is: "I'm gonna tell my mom!," because all your life you've gotten whatever you wanted and on the rare chance that something didn't go the way you wanted...let's not go there. Every scrape, every push, every time you accidentally bumped into someone in the hallway, you think it is imperative to make a spectacular scene of how you're dying. If you were a cat you probably would've died 3 times (that's 27 lives)! Please, I beg of you, spare us your "antic disposition" and probably people will actually like you.
  7. The Tattle-tale:
    You're the only person in the entire world who could disprove the undisputed fact that light travels faster than sound. Whenever anyone sees you coming he immediately stops what he's doing and stands still until you move onto another target. You see everything and miss absolutely nothing. When you grow up, you'll either be a paparazzo or a writer for TMZ. You're best friends with the drama queen (or rather her lackey) and you'll back up anything she says with convincing evidence, even if it's fabricated. You're wise beyond your years and know way too much for a kindergartner, but your teachers won't move you up any grades because they, even though they want you out of their hair, don't want to give the problem to anyone else (just yet). They love you very much, but would rather do without your go-to catchphrase: "Ooooooh, I'm telling..."
  8. Mr. Lack-of-self-Control/ Mr. Spazz-Attack:
    You're so bad at controlling yourself that you have plenty of nicknames. I, for the sake of space, only listed two of those names. You spend your time chasing after girls and then proceeding to pull your pants down in front of them in order to show them how much of a boy you really are. If you were a grown-up, no doubt, someone would've filed a restraining order against you. You also lack a solid connection between your brain and your appendages, and therefore take no responsibility when someone gets hurt by you. You enjoy sniffing everything including: hair, markers, paint, and glue. Your teachers are afraid that when you grow up you might turn into a crackhead, but that's far from your mind right now. You just appreciate smells. You're best friends with Mr. Poopie-pants, the Booger-boy, the Poacher, the Overly Excited Weirdo, and the Corner Kid. You're extremely popular with everyone, but there's a strange rumor that you're the carrier of a strange disease called "cooties."
  9. The Mommy:
    You love playing "house." You start crying when it's time to go home, because that would mean leaving behind your "baby" at school. "Who's going to take care of her? Feed her? Change her diaper?," are the questions that you ask your teachers everyday when they accompany you to your bus stop. You're never satisfied with their answer, but at least you get to take "her" home over the weekend. You claim to be "married" to the Booger-boy, but would rather it be to Mr. Spazz-attack since he genuinely cares about your baby (but you would never say this publicly because you're afraid of catching and spreading his "cooties" to your baby). You have a wonderful work ethic and are able to accomplish all of your activities in record time. You are at odds with the Princess, because you believe that hard work and friendship trumps laziness and slavery. You don't even pay attention to the Drama Queen, because you're way too busy taking care of your baby to deal with drama.
  10. The Overly Excited Weirdo:
    You remember those kids who were extremely excited at the beginning of the school year, but then their excitement plummeted down on the second day of school? Well, it's definitely not the case with this kid. This kid is excited everyday, 24/7, for all 365 days a year! You've never seen him cry once. You've also never heard him use his "inside" voice. He's always yelling at the top of his lungs and announcing everything he finds to his very best friends: the Poacher and Mr. Spazz-attack. When he grows up you think he'd be the perfect commentator on Univision during the FIFA World Cup. His teachers find him a bit overbearing and kind of creepy, but hope that he holds onto to his overly excitable personality throughout his school career. Too bad in High School he's going to turn into the Anti-social goth kid.
  11. The Corner Kid:
    You've practically never seen this kid's face because it's always turned towards the wall. He might as well walk into class and right over to the wall, because that's all he seems capable of. What did he do? No one remembers, but it must've been way worse than sticking gum in a girl's hair, because no one's ever stood in the corner for that. He's pretty fond of the Mute, because she always finds a way to listen to the Corner Kid's problems and even shares some of her lunch with him when he can't eat it because he's in time-out. His teachers hope that the Corner Kid will one day stop causing trouble, but he's a repeat offender. He's also gotten so used to standing in the corner that sometimes he'd voluntarily take his nap standing up.
  12. The Equestrian:
    If you could sum up "high class," using this kid would be an understatement. Everything about her is absolutely perfect. Her walk, the way she talks, the way she comports herself, even her clothing is perfect. She's best friends with the Princess, but she'd much rather hang with her other equestrian friends from the other class. Together they go horseback riding all around the playground (on the backs of other children) while using their riding crops as motivation. At lunch when you hear the talk of candy, it is probably safe to assume that the Equestrians are talking about their horses. They enjoy eating cucumber sandwiches and lots of carrots. They also enjoy making fun of people's laughs when it sounds like a horse. They could get into trouble, were it not for the fact that collectively, the "Equestrians's" moms are all a part of the PTA (a.k.a the mafia of mothers).
  13. The Adaptable Race Car Driver:
    When it comes to playtime, this kid is a wizard. He can turn any toy into a race car. The Mommy absolutely hates him. Even though he's her baby's "uncle," whenever she leaves the baby in her brother's care she always comes back to find a Transformer (baby in disguise). Whenever he's doing classroom activities he's almost as bad as the Squirrel, because he can never get his work done and always ends up turning his pencils into race cars. He hangs regularly with the Corner Kid, but he hates him because instead of listening to the Corner Kid's problems, he just takes random objects and turns those into race cars. Ironically, he doesn't want to be a race car driver when he grows up, but an archaeologist... like Indiana Jones.
  14. The Squirrel:
    Like the name suggests, this kid has the attention span of a squirrel. She hates following directions and would much rather continue playing instead of taking a nap. She's an extremely likable person, but she is literally everywhere. She can't stay in one place for a prolonged period of time (that includes the corner) and getting her to talk coherently is just as difficult. She also gets into everyone's personal space. She has big ideas and dreams that are even bigger, but everyone just thinks that she's just talking "crazy talk." It might be true, because besides the multitudes of friends that she possesses, she feels the need to create "imaginary" ones. She often sits by herself looking out of the window, because she thinks that it's much more interesting than following what's going on in class. Her teachers have mixed feelings about her, but they still love her unconditionally (she's sort of a teacher's pet).
  15. The Momma's Boy:
    Is it a good thing if your mother also happens to be a teacher at the school you go to? Maybe...but this is not the case. Your mother loathes you. Not in the "I wish he was never born" way, but in the "I wish he would stay in class and leave me alone" way. Your mother is a second grade teacher, but apparently you show characteristics of someone who actually wants to skip a grade (or two). But, just for the sake of being with your mother is not a good enough reason to do so. You're extremely clingy and you get in the way of mother's teaching. Your teachers know not to let you out of the classroom, but you come up with so many crafty and convincing excuses, it's hard to know when you are or when you aren't telling the truth. You have no friends, besides your mom and you're failing Kindergarten! I don't know how that's possible, but I guess you can explain this to me next year, granted if you move on to the next grade.  Thankfully, (at least for your mom) you're going to be transferred to another school, in another district and you'll never be heard from again.
  16. The Crybaby:
    If crying was a superpower, you'd definitely call upon this kid. But, it's not like she can always control it. Sometimes, it just happens. Niagara Falls at will. She cries for anything and everything. Her teachers find her aggravating and have witnessed her crying so many times that they have grown deaf to the sound of her crying. When you come around to asking her "why are you crying?," she'd eventually tell you that she doesn't remember and continue to cry even harder. She's cried so much that she even has perfected 3 different forms of crying: the Projectile, the Waterfall, and the Crocodile. Fortunately it's only just a phase, but unfortunately, this nickname lasts with her until the end of middle school. 
Why am I writing about Kindergarten? Well recently my youngest brother just finished Elementary School, and I just sat back and thought: "Huh. So, 6 years ago my youngest brother actually started school... And now he's practically halfway done? He is going to middle school now after all... Wait, I started school 14 years ago? Wow, I'm getting old (not really). I wonder if I still remember how I was when I was in Kindergarten..." (And yes, I do have these really deep conversations with myself, don't judge)

Anyways continuing on, being a Kindergartner exposes you to the world and takes you away from the isolated nest that your parents were counting down the days to throw you out of. It gives you a taste of what possibilities actually lie in the world and the belief that those possibilities could one day turn into realities. As we age, these realities turn back into possibilities and then they turn into dreams. Ideas, waiting to be plucked from the sky and rethought of again and again until it becomes a tangible reality.

These people who we meet in Kindergarten, no matter how strange they come off as, make us who we are. They allow us to go on bravely into the world in order to conquer whatever obstacle comes our way!

That is of course before we move on to first grade and the notion of homework is introduced.

NOTE: If you're wondering why I have 16 people, instead of 10 or 15, here's the reasoning behind my logic. I was originally going to put only 10 people, then I remembered some more character-types and increased it to 15, then I thought: "Hey! What the Heck! Why don't I add one more!" So now it's 16 people. I was going to increase it again to 20, but then I thought: "Ain't nobody got time for that!!"

No comments:

Post a Comment